I was there. I wondered if you were able to see me, but I knew your eyes were way too distracted watching everything else around you, everything else but me. I was starting to feel like a nuisance, as I did almost every day of my life. I tried to swallow that feeling and pass it with air down my throat. I ignored it completely, I let everything go.
You were there. And I saw you, and I was way too distracted to see anything else around me, anything else but you. There were so many words I still wanted to say, but I knew there was no point in saying them anymore. You wouldn’t hear them either, anyways. And so I swallowed the words, I swallowed them along with the feeling of nuisance, the air, my throat, the ignorance, and you.
Do you know what it feels like to wait for something to happen, and as soon as it does, wait for something else too? It’s like nothing can ever satisfy me anymore. I talked to my therapist about it. He said something about… Mindfulness, maybe? He says I live too much in the future. I’m okay with my past, though, I guess. At least, that’s what he says. But the future disorders me. And so I try to pass the thought of it along with the words, the nuisance, the air, everything down my throat. But I can’t ignore you.
I wonder if it will ever go away, like all those boys did. I wonder, like I wondered if I really loved you during the days we were still together. But what is love, anyways? How can we ever be one hundred percent sure that what one feels is love? I knew it wasn’t just pure desire, because when I looked at you in the eyes when singing those songs, together in your car, driving down the city, I felt something. Don’t ask me what it was. I’m just starting to think that whatever I thought was love, whenever I thought I was feeling it, towards whomever came into my life, wasn’t really it. Because I would still feel something, wouldn’t I?
Or would I not? How is it possible that a feeling so strong, a pain that burns your throat while crying everything out, can be converted into almost nothing? I felt all that pain. I felt all the agony of feeling unworthy, of comparing myself to whomever else I thought was better than me. I felt that repugnance, that disgust towards myself and everything else around me. I belittled me. I belittled my future, that future which now disorders me so much. And as much as I try to organize it, there’s still disorder somehow, in me. And so I swallowed that pain along with the thoughts, the words, the nuisance, the air, everything down my throat, but you were still there, I was there, and you still didn’t see me.
Why would you not see me? How could you not? After everything I did… After everything I tried. But then I thought, was I even seeing myself? I was way too focused on you. Way too focused on the pain. Way too focused on the nuisance I thought I was. Too focused on the boys, and the future. The organization. The disorder. The expectations. The waiting. The plans written almost to perfection. Too focused on everything inside me, instead of directing my attention towards what I had around. Would you see the sky, how beautiful it is? The sun? How the stars still shine so bright even though they might be probably dead? I wonder if I’ll shine too when I’m gone. But I know, today, I cannot focus on that. And so I’ll pass it down my throat. I’ll pass everything down my throat.
It’s okay if you won’t hear anything from me. But I do want you to know that I’m thankful. It’s been three years, but it feels like a lifetime. Somehow I’ve lived longer with myself, and it still doesn’t feel as long as with you. I know why that is, and I can’t blame you. Can’t blame myself either. But I’m thankful, believe it or not. And being there, standing in front of you, without you being able to see me, I realized everything. Maybe someday I’ll tell you about it, but not today. Today I’ll just focus on everything else around me. And since I’ve passed everything down my throat, maybe I can start writing about it, too. Perhaps someday all these words will start making sense to someone else instead of just me. Perhaps you will listen to them, but I know that it doesn’t matter if you don’t. The sky is still there, and I know everything else is just nonsense.