I loved you so that I let my inner being die in order to become what you wanted me to be. I loved you so that everything you told me affected me in some way, because that’s how badly I wanted you to like me. I loved you so that I did stuff, and behaved in specific ways, because I knew you would like what I did, I knew you would like my behavior. I loved you so that I let the innocent child inside of me fade away, and I grew up very quickly so I could reach you, I didn’t want to be left behind. I loved you so that I became distant with other people in order to get closer to you. I loved you so that instead of focusing on me, and bettering me, and getting to know me, I spent all my time with you, flattering you, getting to know you. I loved you so that I ignored the one hundred thousand red flags during those first months, since I wanted this to work so badly. I loved you so that I constantly defended you unconsciously, no matter how bad that made me look. I loved you so that I completely forgot about my rules for a second, and crossed the limits between my wants and my needs. I loved you so that I changed my plans so they could fit yours, so they could go along with your schedule. I loved you so that I constantly questioned myself, and doubted myself, and belittled myself, thinking that no matter what I did, nothing would be enough. I loved you so that I lost me, and at the end I ended up losing you, but now…
Now, I love me.
I love me so that my inner being is now reborn, and is better than ever before. I love me so that I know that no matter what you say, nothing could ever affect me if I am confident in myself. I love me so that I now do whatever I want, and behave in whichever way I want to, regardless of what you may think of me. I love me so that my innocent child has found me again, and I don’t care if I reach you, I don’t care where you leave me. I love me so that I distanced myself from you so I could get closer to the people that I once left behind. I love me so that I now spend all of my time focused on me, my plans and my wants, my goals and my wishes, and I no longer waste any energy trying to find you. I love me so that I know that if you ever wanted to come back, I would remind myself of the red flags and know that it’s no longer worth my time. I love me so that I now defend myself, and put my feelings and needs before anything else. I love me so that I have gotten back to my rules, and made new ones from everything that I’ve learned. I love me so that I now plan everything regardless of you, I don’t care what you do, you’re no longer in my schedule. I love me so that I know that it doesn’t matter what “enough” is for you: what matters is how satisfied I personally feel. I love me so that I have found myself, and I would rather lose you time and time again, if that means I can stay true to myself.
The difference between madness and sanity.