Lo que jamás diré.

Love and life, life and love.

It’s weird to think how love and life work.

One day, you’re minding your own business. Going to work five times a week, or going to college and struggling to do well in your classes, or competing with yourself trying to be stronger at the gym. Maybe even all at once, like in my case. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I was getting there, even though later in life I would fall off track. Working at a job I hated, but which was giving me the money necessary in order to pay for my classes, and saving enough to buy my future car, and help my mother pay for our paperwork in order to be legal residents of this country. It’s crazy to think how something I hated so much helped me gain such valuable stuff out of it. At the same time, going to college a couple of days a week. Finishing my English for Academic Purposes classes in order to start my career classes (two years later… which is now). Days at the gym helped me relax and reconnect with my inner self and what I truly enjoyed doing. And even though, I was struggling… Struggling to get here and there, in between Ubers and walking, and having to depend on my dad’s car. It was not what I wanted. Yet that same year everything would change so much. And from then on, it just kept getting better and better.

But going back to where I started: I was minding my own business. I was talking to a couple of “whatever” guys and it was fun. Getting to explore what I never had explored before. And all of a sudden, you get one message. That message that changes everything. That message from someone that wants to get to know you, even though you doubt him at first because he is so much older than you! You start thinking, “what does this guy want from me? I have nothing to offer him.” Going back now, I remember I was feeling good with myself at that time. I had worked in my health and the walking and going to the gym so much had made changes in my body… And also my confidence. I was becoming more proud. In fact, it had been months since my confidence journey had started. Yet, there were so many stuff I wasn’t satisfied with. And not paying attention to your intuition and reasoning, you answer to that message. Maybe not that same day. Maybe days after… Maybe even weeks.

And that is all how everything starts. One day you’re minding your business… The next day you’re accepting this guy to pick you up from the gym when he’s already 30 and you’re only 19. But who cared? You needed that kind of stupidity in your life. Who would’ve thought that one message would change everything and less than five months from then, you would be traveling around and discovering new experiences with him and getting out of your shell.

I know I am not the girl I used to be. It still astonishes and surprises me how much I’ve changed, emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes my older personality tries to emerge from time to time. My dreamy, naïve, romantic, and imaginary self. The girl that listened to romantic songs and cried herself to sleep because she didn’t think she was enough. The girl that hated her body so much, she could write pages and pages about how truly disgusted with herself she was. The girl that let guys dictate the way she felt about herself: from ages thirteen to eighteen, all she could do was fall in love, fall deeply, fall stupidly and when she finally got over someone, the cycle would repeat itself. I don’t know if I have completely overcome this self-destructive part of me. What I do know is that there’s still bad days, even when in general terms I am better than before. It’s crazy to think how love and life works… One day, you’re deep down and struggling to get back up. Your happiness depends on whether this guy finds you attractive or not. The next day, (or maybe not that quick, because good things take time… But let’s say, two years later), you now understand this is not how it’s meant to be. You’re not meant to be “good enough for someone else”. And you understand you have to focus on your goals and forget about everything -and everyone- else.

Even though, this one guy that texted you may have helped you in growing intellectually and emotionally for the past couple of years, you know you don’t owe everything to him. At the end of the day, it’s you who made the change. And you know you only need yourself. No one else but yourself. It may hurt if this guy decides to leave… But you know it’s only matter of time until you get back up again.

Love and life. It’s crazy yet amazing.


Escritos variados: XI.

Tú, en toda tu honestidad y simpatía, prometías quererme a mí y nadie más, como quien pide en súplicas y plegarias que le crean, como rogando por una segunda oportunidad sin pedirlo. Yo, ¿qué más podía hacer, sino creerte? Deseando que esta vez no me rompieras…

Allí estaba, entre tanta gente que iba y venía, entre tantos reencuentros, despedidas, bienvenidas; entre tantos saludos y equipajes y personas que se decían adiós sin saber cuándo se volverían a ver. Allí estaba entre tantos aviones que despegaban, que aterrizaban, entre tantos anuncios a través de los altoparlantes y tantos regalos comprados, flores, libros, tarjetas, globos. Allí estaba revisando el reloj cada cinco segundos, ansiosa por el momento en que llegara, desesperada por poder verlo de una vez por todas y con un lío de emociones encontradas mezclándose entre sí. Y llegó el momento en que coincidimos allí, a la misma hora exacta, buscando exactamente lo mismo y encontrándonos en la mirada del otro.

I’d like to kiss you. In your neck, or wherever it may hurt. In your belly, your lips, your lovely eyelids while you sleep. I’d like to kiss you until our lips get tired, until your cheeks start to get colored showing all your nervousness.

Quiero verte. A veces me pican las manos de las ganas de tocarte, ¿sabes? Que las yemas de mis dedos recorran imparablemente tu cara…

Soon enough, my dreams were all forgotten, my laughter missed but my love was caught in, within all the stories from people I never met, and all the times I was laying in your chest, thinking about all the places I could only see as real in my far, far future.

“Hell consists of one room, in which you meet the person you could have been”.

Imagine getting to the last day of your life, and as you begin to drift away, you start questioning yourself “what if hell consisted of one room where I got to meet the person I always wanted to be, would I meet myself or would I meet someone else?”

If I got to meet the person I could have been… (Once everything is said and done, obviously), I’d cry for being unable to accomplish it (if I didn’t). This person is reckless and fearless. She doesn’t run around trying to keep up with a schedule that only ruins her. She is free, she is creative, she is successful, she is independent. She doesn’t feel in the need to choose between two different lives. She knows what she wants, then goes and acts day by day to accomplish it. She is a positive-minded, passion-driven woman. She sets goals, and as she reaches them, she creates new ones: she doesn’t stop. She grows everyday. She has a “mens sana in corpore sano” type of way of living. She eats healthy to fuel her mind, soul and body, not to satisfy her eyes. She has a healthy mind in a healthy body. She’s a writer. A traveler. A nutritionist. A coach. She’s everything. Most importantly, she doesn’t go day by day at work waiting to get the hell out of it; she loves her work. She does what she loves doing, everyday, and that’s her way of living.

But even worse… Even worse than getting to meet the person you could have been at the end, is living everyday unable to be that person. I know it now. I know it now I’ll make sure to be that person. She’s a writer and a traveler and a nutritionist and a coach and she is me. She’s a dreamer and a doer and a lover and a runner and she is me. She’s a businesswoman and she is free and independent and she’s her own boss and she is me. She gets to meet the person she could have been: it’s the same as her. I don’t want to get to that point of life full of regret and questioning myself, “what did I do? I spent fifty years of my life working at a job I didn’t even fully enjoy, chasing paycheck after paycheck just to SURVIVE. I did that for so long instead of living and traveling and dreaming and discovering and meeting people and writing about it when I know that’s what really fulfills me. What did I do? Why did I do it? Where did I go wrong?” And the saddest part of it is… A lot of people live this way. A lot of people are so trapped in this lifestyle, and I get to see it everyday and I don’t want it. I don’t. But at the same time I don’t want to focus too much of my attention towards this, (towards the stuff that I don’t want).

But I’m just so passionate, there’s nothing else I can think about. Nothing. It just follows me everyday: the feeling of wanting more, doing more, being more, feeling more. More than just what is. More than just the same routine. It just astonishes me the consciousness of knowing there is so much world to discover yet so many people choose to stay stuck. I don’t wanna be stuck. I know it now. I know it now that if hell consisted of this room, it would be like Heaven to me. Because then I would know I am that person: I am the person I always wanted to be. Slowly by slowly I’m getting to that point, sometimes it’s unbelievable to me everything I’ve accomplished (everything I wanted since the day I became an immigrant). Just so grateful of everything I have, but at the same time so hungry of whatever’s meant to come.

I know it now. I know it now, my mind is clear. Make sure you know it too.


Cuando tus ojos se encuentran con los míos,
y dices esas tres palabras que tanto me gustan escuchar de ti,
de repente siento que todo es posible,
que nada es demasiado complicado como para no sobrellevarlo.

Tú bien sabes y lo he dicho,
que a veces me ganan las ansias, que a veces me cuesta confiar.
Pero últimamente han cambiado mis reacciones,
y siento que no hay necesidad de vivir de una manera tan amarga.

Porque si un día tú decidieras que ya no me quieres más,
que mis ojos ya no son los más bonitos que podrías ver en el mundo,
que ya mi voz no cautiva,
y el misterio de mis silencios te aburre más que impresionarte…

Si algún día, pues, decidieras tú dejarme,
y buscar en otros brazos el calor que solías encontrar en mí,
y adentrarte en nuevas experiencias, personalidades y facciones,
Sé que no dependería de ti mi manera de sentir el mundo.

Es entonces descabellada la idea de entregarte a ti
la responsabilidad de hacerme feliz y contenta con la vida,
sin importar si estamos juntos o no,
En cualquier momento te me vas, y es allí cuando toca reubicarme…

Es por eso que es más sano desde ahora
empezar a despreocuparme un poco, dejarte ser más libre, incluso…
Sin hacerme vueltas en la cabeza por lo que estarás haciendo
En dónde, con quién, o si serías capaz de hacerme daño.

Pues sé que en cualquier momento todo cambia,
se terminan las relaciones, se separan los caminos,
y cuando llegue el día que tú ya no estés,
dependerá únicamente de mí el sentirme satisfecha con mis días. 

Pero no es necesario esperar a que eso pase
para ser cien por ciento responsable de mis sentimientos, ¿no?
Sería más inteligente estar bien conmigo misma desde ahora,
Y entregarte a ti la responsabilidad de añadir (mas no controlar) a mi felicidad.

Quiero ser feliz contigo, sí,
pero también quiero ser feliz independientemente de ti.
Independientemente del hecho de que estés o no estés,
que me quieras, que me busques, o ni quieras ya mirarme.

Es por eso que de ahora en adelante,
cada vez que tus ojos se encuentren con los míos,
y digas esas tres palabras que tanto me gustan escuchar de ti…
Trataré de sentir que todo es posible,

Pero no porque estés conmigo a mi lado,
Ni porque me estés jurando tu cariño eterno,
Ni porque digas que soy lo mejor que te pudo haber pasado.

Sino simplemente porque existo,
porque tengo planes y objetivos que cumplir en mi futuro.
Sentir que todo es posible, porque sí…
Porque puedo, y quiero contigo, pero también sin ti.

I won’t give up

Please just take me back to when it all started… getting to know each other at the beginning, all dates and laughs, and going out to the beach and parks, movies and clubs. You, trying to uncover the wild human being underneath my innocence. Me, trying to be rational and decide if I was crazy or not for going out with someone so much older than me.
It was fun and exciting, everything was fascinating and new. I had never done something like that before (you). And even though I was sort of hesitant and timid at the beginning, you made me get out of my shell and discover the spontaneous and rebellious personality I didn’t know I had. You weren’t the only person getting to know me.
But as time went by, stuff started to happen that I couldn’t just simply ignore. Fights began and you began to discover my jealous and insecure bits and parts. I was always scared of you getting interested in someone else; you were always scared of me realizing I deserved better and deciding to run away. But I never ran away. I never did, because I saw the possibilities and opportunities of a better future for us. And we both stayed, still here we are. And now…

Now, my mind is full of goals and I’m hoping you’re still there by my side to help me achieve them. See, I don’t want a fancy car or a giant house or diamonds around my neck. I don’t want dinner at luxurious restaurants or staying at expensive hotels and drinking the fanciest liquors. I just wanna travel with you, explore the world and its corners by your side, discover what life has to offer us, one day at a time. I don’t wanna get old and think like I wasn’t able to fully enjoy my years as much as I wanted to. I don’t wanna get too busy with the least meaningful things in life. Instead, I want to build success, with you. For you. For me. For us.

“And we’ve still got a lot to learn. God knows we’re worth it.”

Quizá no estemos destinados a ser.

Veo todas esas fotos 
Los paisajes
Las bellezas
Las culturas
Los viajes
Las montañas
Las playas
Todos esos países por conocer
Y me da por pensar en:
Las posibilidades
Nuestros planes
El futuro
(Pensar lo mejor que puede ser el futuro)
Nuestro hogar
Una mascota
Tener éxito juntos
Lograrlo todo
Y a veces, me convenzo a mí misma de que debemos soportar esto
Que es sólo un obstáculo en el camino
Una piedra
Una dificultad
Y que lo podremos soportar
Y en vez de concentrarme en mí misma
En mis planes
Mis quehaceres
Mis responsabilidades
Mis objetivos
Me pierdo y revuelvo alrededor de ti
Y de alguna manera intento que mis planes concuerden con los tuyos
Que coincidan
Que podamos encontrarnos
Que podamos seguir
Pero nada es seguro
Y nada es eterno
Y es eso lo que me pone tan mal a veces
Que, sin importar cuánto lo intente,
No estemos destinados a ser.


A la deriva, sólo quiero ya llegar.

Eres capaz de brindarme la felicidad más increíble, y la tristeza más profunda en cuestión de minutos, los dos, el mismo día, y al mismo tiempo.

Porque siento miedo, tanto pero tanto miedo de lo que pueda pasar, que a veces me quedo estática. Y literalmente puedo sentir el dolor en mi pecho, como un nudo, como una incomodidad; y el vacío en mi estómago, la tristeza, las dudas. Sé que a ti no te molesta la inseguridad de lo que pueda pasar, pero a mí sí, y… Asusta. El no saber si seremos capaces de sobrellevarlo todo. Porque yo sí que estoy dispuesta, pero ¿tú? No lo sé. A veces me parece que sí y al día siguiente vas y cambias mis convicciones acerca de ti. Y es que todo es demasiado complicado, la distancia, las responsabilidades, tu horario, el mío… Sólo existe una solución para no tener que lidiar con todo esto, pero esa solución te asusta. Sí, y a mí. Eso significaría algo más serio y comprometido que lo que ya tenemos. Y no quiero adentrarme a una “solución” eterna para un problema efímero. Bien podría esta solución convertirse en problema en un futuro. Y no me gusta andar a la deriva, bien lo sabes. Cuando un día parece que lo significo todo para ti, y al día siguiente vas recordándome nuevamente todas tus excusas. Sería más fácil simplemente alejarnos al cien por ciento, pero tú no me dejas. Y yo no te dejo. Quizá hasta raya en lo tóxico… Cómo soy capaz de ponerte en mi lista de prioridades cuando hay días que ni siquiera confío en ti.

Recordatorio: Podrás salir de esta, no importa cómo te sientas hoy. Sólo sigue.

2016 – 2018

He was one of a kind and I was just another piece of the same species. He was so smart and wise, so mature sometimes. And all I wanted to do was kiss him all over. Sometimes I thought… My God, he is so hot. I wanted him to show me the world as seen from his eyes. I wanted to explore the corners of his mind and what he thought of everything… everything. My thirst and hunger for him were never fully satisfied. I just wanted more and more, and days kept going but that feeling never seemed to disappear. He was considerably older than me, almost twelve years. Me, only 19, him, already 31. We didn’t have much in common… to be honest, we didn’t have anything in common. But that didn’t seem to matter. We connected so perfectly, even with so many years between us. And I wanted to know him as no one ever had been able to. He had experience of course, fifteen years to be exact. I wasn’t his first and would, of course, not gonna be his last. But he was that for me. See, I never really had someone or something like him, before him. While I was just another name in his list of conquers -just another girl that he’s kissed, fucked, dated, traveled with…-, he was the only name in my list for everything. My world wasn’t empty without him, but it sure as hell was a lot less exciting. And all the time I only thought of more and more experiences with him. More traveling, more discovering, more knowing each other, more living. And I was constantly making plans on what I could do to make it work. It was a hell of a good time of my life….

And he liked it when things were uncertain. Because where’s the fun in knowing it all? It only made us feel like life was a lot less surprising. He liked the rawness and pureness of our passionate relationship. It was intense, honest, exciting… Free. He said I made him feel younger… I said that he made me feel like I was living my years. And even when life was trying to show us, time and time again, that it wouldn’t work out, we were so stubborn. We fought. We stayed. We insisted. All this to the surprise of people surrounding us, maybe… it definitely was surprising to me. And fast forward to today: I am now almost 21 and him 32. Where will life take us? Sometimes it feels like it only wants to keep us distanced… Are we too tenacious? We’ll see.

{The first paragraph was written months and months ago. The second was written today.}


A veces observo y siento que todo esto es ajeno a mí. Las personas, las calles, sus vidas, los problemas. Pienso y siento todo con tanta profundidad e intensidad, y me pregunto si ellos sentirán lo mismo. Si a veces se sienten perdidos, aburridos y abrumados como yo. No puedo ser la única que se siente así, no. Como que a veces, sin importar cuánto planee las cosas e intente que me salgan bien, todo se me puede escapar de las manos. Me abruma a veces el descontrol de todo, lo poco que puedo ayudar para lo mucho que quisiera. Hay tantos problemas en el mundo… Tantos. Y últimamente están empezando a afectarme -indirectamente- a mí. Y no puedo siquiera imaginarme cómo se sentirán aquellos a quienes los problemas les afectan directamente. A veces siento que tengo tanto. Más de lo que merezco, quizá. La oportunidad de trabajar, estudiar, y estar legal en un país donde muchos simplemente pueden soñarlo. Y a veces me preocupa el futuro y me canso de los días antes de que siquiera lleguen, pero tengo que entender lo afortunada que soy… Lo sé. Pero quisiera poder hacer más, tener más. Tener más para que mi madre no tenga de qué preocuparse. Tener más de lo que yo necesito y poder entregarle el resto a ella. Pero si ni siquiera tengo suficiente para mí… ¿Qué puedo hacer? Qué hacer con este sentimiento de que no puedo hacer lo suficiente, no tengo lo suficiente, no puedo entregar lo suficiente ni a mí ni a nadie más. Ajena. Quisiera poder ser ajena a mis problemas… O debería decir, mis pensamientos que tanto me molestan. Quisiera que todo fuera más fácil, pero sé que las cosas no funcionan así. Simplemente queda enfocarme en mí misma, y aquellos más allegados a mí. No puedo presionarme y torturarme por los problemas de todos ¡no soy Dios! Día tras día, sé que debo mantenerme concentrada y enfocada en todo lo que tengo planeado para mi futuro. Aguantar, progresar… Que se vaya quien se quiera ir. Ya no estoy para implorar y rogar a nadie.

Día tras día, sé que debo agradecer por todo lo que tengo. Cada año que pasa estoy mejor que el anterior. Recordar que tengo ahora todo lo que he pedido, y enfocarme en obtener las nuevas cosas que quiero. Afortunada, eso soy, a pesar de todo… Pero a veces, todo se siente tan surreal… 


Soy turista y me desconozco; cada día descubro nuevas partes de mí. Descubro. Aprendo. Me dejo llevar por la incertidumbre del futuro, pero ya no me aterra: es motivante. Intentando encontrar mi valor sin depender de nadie más, o lo que ellos opinen de lo que soy capaz. Veo a las personas a mi alrededor, y cada una de ellas produce un sentimiento de deseo o rechazo en mí. Lo que quiero ser. Lo que no. Lo que evito con todo mi ser. Lo que me aterra convertirme. Intentando aprender de los errores de los demás antes de cometerlos yo misma. ¿Será posible? Pero a veces siento que le estoy dedicando demasiado tiempo de mi vida a todo esto. A pensar. Razonar. Decidir. Planear. En lugar de dejar ir los sentimientos de miedo, rechazo y aversión y simplemente enfocarme en lo que SÍ quiero para mí.
Cada día más convencida de lo que quiero. Libertad. Plenitud. Éxito. Más allá de la cantidad de dinero o bienes materiales que puedan venir con el éxito, es simplemente tener la OPORTUNIDAD de hacer o comprar lo que quiera, sin que NADA me detenga o me impida hacerlo. Viajar. Descubrir. Conocer. Más allá de a mí misma: a los demás, lugares, paisajes, culturas. El mundo es demasiado grande como para vivir la vida en una misma ciudad, sin mucho más. Ser dueña de mí. De mi tiempo. Ser dueña de mi tiempo. Yo misma decidir qué quiero hacer con él, sin sentir que la necesidad de producir me detiene.
Y ojalá llegar a conocerme, aceptarme y quererme lo suficiente como para que no me importe si alguien me acompaña en el camino o no. A veces el precio de la libertad es la soledad; aunque claro que puede haber un balance. Intentando encontrarme a mí misma en ese balance. ¿Y qué si no? ¿Qué estoy dispuesta a perder? Con el conocimiento de que lo que pueda obtener a cambio sea mucho más valioso. Monetaria, sentimental, y experimentalmente hablando.
He dejado que tantas personas intenten dictarlo todo en mí, desde cómo sentirme conmigo misma hasta qué hacer con mi vida. Poco a poco descubro que esas personas no están 100% a gusto con sus vidas y por ello intentan dictar lo mismo en alguien más. Y yo no quiero ser ellos, yo quiero ser… yo.
Yo. La turista. Pero la turista que ahora se conoce… Ven a mí.