It’s weird to think how love and life work.
One day, you’re minding your own business. Going to work five times a week, or going to college and struggling to do well in your classes, or competing with yourself trying to be stronger at the gym. Maybe even all at once, like in my case. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I was getting there, even though later in life I would fall off track. Working at a job I hated, but which was giving me the money necessary in order to pay for my classes, and saving enough to buy my future car, and help my mother pay for our paperwork in order to be legal residents of this country. It’s crazy to think how something I hated so much helped me gain such valuable stuff out of it. At the same time, going to college a couple of days a week. Finishing my English for Academic Purposes classes in order to start my career classes (two years later… which is now). Days at the gym helped me relax and reconnect with my inner self and what I truly enjoyed doing. And even though, I was struggling… Struggling to get here and there, in between Ubers and walking, and having to depend on my dad’s car. It was not what I wanted. Yet that same year everything would change so much. And from then on, it just kept getting better and better.
But going back to where I started: I was minding my own business. I was talking to a couple of “whatever” guys and it was fun. Getting to explore what I never had explored before. And all of a sudden, you get one message. That message that changes everything. That message from someone that wants to get to know you, even though you doubt him at first because he is so much older than you! You start thinking, “what does this guy want from me? I have nothing to offer him.” Going back now, I remember I was feeling good with myself at that time. I had worked in my health and the walking and going to the gym so much had made changes in my body… And also my confidence. I was becoming more proud. In fact, it had been months since my confidence journey had started. Yet, there were so many stuff I wasn’t satisfied with. And not paying attention to your intuition and reasoning, you answer to that message. Maybe not that same day. Maybe days after… Maybe even weeks.
And that is all how everything starts. One day you’re minding your business… The next day you’re accepting this guy to pick you up from the gym when he’s already 30 and you’re only 19. But who cared? You needed that kind of stupidity in your life. Who would’ve thought that one message would change everything and less than five months from then, you would be traveling around and discovering new experiences with him and getting out of your shell.
I know I am not the girl I used to be. It still astonishes and surprises me how much I’ve changed, emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes my older personality tries to emerge from time to time. My dreamy, naïve, romantic, and imaginary self. The girl that listened to romantic songs and cried herself to sleep because she didn’t think she was enough. The girl that hated her body so much, she could write pages and pages about how truly disgusted with herself she was. The girl that let guys dictate the way she felt about herself: from ages thirteen to eighteen, all she could do was fall in love, fall deeply, fall stupidly and when she finally got over someone, the cycle would repeat itself. I don’t know if I have completely overcome this self-destructive part of me. What I do know is that there’s still bad days, even when in general terms I am better than before. It’s crazy to think how love and life works… One day, you’re deep down and struggling to get back up. Your happiness depends on whether this guy finds you attractive or not. The next day, (or maybe not that quick, because good things take time… But let’s say, two years later), you now understand this is not how it’s meant to be. You’re not meant to be “good enough for someone else”. And you understand you have to focus on your goals and forget about everything -and everyone- else.
Even though, this one guy that texted you may have helped you in growing intellectually and emotionally for the past couple of years, you know you don’t owe everything to him. At the end of the day, it’s you who made the change. And you know you only need yourself. No one else but yourself. It may hurt if this guy decides to leave… But you know it’s only matter of time until you get back up again.
Love and life. It’s crazy yet amazing.