Lo que jamás diré.

Inspired by La Dispute

You knew I was waiting
Patiently
And deliberately.
But there’s no reason to wait
When there’s nothing to take in the end
When the reason for waiting
Becomes pointless.
Futile.
Useless.

As my aspirations start to become
More individual,
Personal,
Unique…
My ambitions related to you
They almost begin to disappear.
It’s almost as if
All those distant dreams
Do not matter anymore.

Because the waiting is sour,
And painful when you begin to compare.
The distance is tricking,
Like life trying to prove us a point.
But we’re holding so strong to this,
Though we haven’t settled on a way out.
And maybe there’s no way out.
Maybe there’s just…
Failure.

And yet,
We still run towards our mistakes.
We blame each other.
We remember.
Almost as if we’re incapable of forgiving,
Forgetting.
Resentment is stronger than us,
And we fight against our peace.
We fight.

We fight.

We fight.

Anuncios

conmiedosperolibre

Aterrada de vivir el resto de mi vida presa de una decisión que tomé, creyendo confianzudamente que eso era lo que quería.
Un “sí, acepto.” Un “vamos a mudarnos juntos.” Un “debo tomar mis decisiones en base a lo que sea mejor para mi relación.” Como si los seres humanos nos basáramos simplemente en nuestras relaciones. En si tenemos a alguien o no. En si alguien nos ama o siquiera nos desea.
Alrededor de mí, veo personas cumpliendo sus sueños, pero también veo otras personas estancadas, presas de las decisiones que tomaron años atrás. Aunque, a decir verdad, no sé si estén presas realmente, o yo esté prejuzgando demasiado, creyéndome tener la última palabra, confiada de que mis propios miedos e inseguridades son los mismos que los de las demás personas. Quizá, ellos estén realmente felices así. Quizá les guste lo simple. Quizá no les importe estar en una relación que no les hace realmente felices, siempre y cuando puedan decir que no están solos, que alguien los acompaña, que se sienten estables en su zona de confort.
No está mal querer lo que antes no querías. Y no está mal dejar de querer lo que antes querías con tanto fervor. Las personas somos así… Cambiantes, versátiles, volubles. Los sentimientos cambian, y nuestros objetivos también. Lo ideal es alejarse cuando lo que tienes –y a quien tienes- ya no te beneficia.
Sin embargo, el miedo a la soledad a veces saca lo peor de nosotros. Nos conformamos con lo que tenemos, pensando que nada ni nadie puede ser mejor, ni hacernos mejor. Ni que merecemos mejor. Y cuán alejados estamos de la verdad.
Mi meta no es tenerlo todo, ni llegar a una perfección inmensurable. Yo sólo quiero poder decir, en mi lecho de muerte, que viví todo lo que quise vivir, y no me quedé en situaciones que me obstaculizaban. Lograr ser capaz de alejarme de todo aquello que no aporte nada positivo; y entender cuándo una relación sentimental ya no me favorece. Hacer las cosas, por mí. Sin miedo a quien pueda aparecerse o alejarse de mi camino; sabiendo que quien tiene que estar, estará.
Con miedos, pero libre.

thoughts…

Many things I desire, many things I aspire for, yet sometimes it feels like the world is telling me that it is not for me. Or maybe right now it isn’t the moment. Sometimes, I feel like I must understand that some people just don’t want the same things… Some people just aren’t meant to be in my path. I know I’m stubborn, I want things to be my way. I want people to want me the same way that I want them. I want people to have the same passion I have for certain stuff. Loyalty, commitment, stability. It’s not the same thing to go around looking for someone to spend the night with, than having the same person to come home to every night. At the end of the day, trying to find company in random people may leave you even more lonely than you were before. But having someone to come to every night means hope; means having a reason to go through the day, knowing that peace is waiting for you at the end of it. I know I’m young, I know I will meet many more lovers, many more lessons, many more complicated relationships. Yet somehow, I almost can’t wait until I find stability, until I find the person who will love me the right way. It doesn’t take much. It shouldn’t be this complicated. Love should be more simple, leaving aside all the doubts and insecurities and jealousy, but it’s necessary to be with someone you can trust. That’s the only way it will work. The only way it has ever worked… Being two people that compliment each other perfectly, bringing to the relationship what the other person doesn’t have.

Where are you?

p(ea)/(ie)ce of mind

The weight of the world is too hefty for my shoulders;
The more I carry it, the more my strength weakens.
I’ve tried to keep us afloat, but waves are tougher than
our desire to carry on, proving everything –and everyone- wrong.
Some days are rougher than others, and even though
my convictions are set, my mind is not that resilient.
Sometimes, I just need someone to let me know
I’m doing okay, even when things get confusing.
I try not to be too distracted,
I try to focus on just myself.
My problem is not understanding what I want,
But staying convinced that this is what I need.
Staying on track gets complicated
When I feel people advantaging me,
Leaving me behind with the thought of,
“Well, now what I do?
Should I be doing the same thing they are?”
I know the answer is no,
But sometimes my mind likes to play tricks on me.
I know the importance of not measuring my success
Using other people’s guidelines and rules.
Yet here I am, trying once again to struggle with the current…
I just need some peace of mind. And I almost can’t wait until I get there.

When your breath is in my breath
And your eyes look into mine
Can’t remember what’s my name
Suddenly I fly so high
Take me somewhere far from here
Can’t hold on onto what’s near
If you show me how you feel
We can always disappear…
Together.
What keeps me going is you,
And the thought of a better future with you.
And the thought of new discoveries with you,
Because all I think about is you.
But if all you wanna be is my friend,
I can’t exactly say the same.
This will have to come to an end,
Don’t say anything.
Just leave.
Goodbye.

Evolución

A veces es como si yo no fuera yo. Y eso me hace recordar aquella vez que yacía en la cama, mirando esas partes de mi cuerpo, mío, y pensando en que no parecían ser mis partes, mis piernas, mis brazos, mi cara, pensando en lo ajena que era a mí misma, lo tanto que me desconocía. Los años pasados, a veces es como si no existieran, todo es tan diferente, (de una buena manera), y me hace llorar el recordar lo tanto que sufrí, lo tanto que luché por llegar donde estoy. Como hoy. Leer las publicaciones pasadas, y pensar, ¿cómo es que llegué hasta allí? ¿Cómo es que llegué hasta aquí? Si pudiera regresar al tiempo y decirle algo a mi “yo” de trece, catorce, quince, dieciséis, diecisiete, dieciocho años, -especialmente dieciséis, diecisiete y dieciocho- sería simplemente “sólo sigue, todo mejora”. Esas cuatro palabras tan simples, tan clichés, tantas veces dichas anteriormente que quizá hasta pierdan credibilidad, pero es así. Quizá a veces no las creamos por lo simples que suenan; carecen de mayor consejo, de mayor explicación. Sin embargo, allí es donde radica su veracidad. No es simplemente decir, “todo estará bien” o “vas a lograr todo lo que te propongas” sino, “tú estarás bien. Todo va a mejorar.” Sin querer decir que todo será perfecto, pero definitivamente no seguirá siendo tan malo como lo que hoy día experimentamos. Pero yendo más allá de eso, pienso que es mejor decir “tú estarás bien” en lugar de “todo estará bien”, ya que ¿cómo podemos asegurarnos de que lo externo a nosotros va a mejorar? Por supuesto podemos enfocarnos en trabajar en ello, jugar con nuestra mente, rezar, proponernos metas, alcanzarlas, y una larga lista de etcéteras que puedan ayudarnos a “adivinar” y confiar en que todo va a mejorar. Sin embargo para mí, el “tú estarás bien” llega más a mis convicciones, me ayuda más a seguir, me ayuda a entender “sin importar la circunstancia del todo, estarás bien, lo soportarás, podrás seguir, por lo tanto, estarás bien, sin importar si el todo no lo está”. De esta manera entiendo que no puedo confiarme en la circunstancia del todo; no puedo dejar que el todo influya en ; ya que pasaré la vida creyendo que “todo estará bien” y cuando no lo esté, empezaré a decaer, nuevamente, como tantas otras veces, pensando en los sinsentidos inexistentes, pensando en que me engañaron diciendo que todo estaría bien cuando quizá no siempre sea así. Y no importa si no siempre es así. Sólo confía en que tú estarás bien. Años atrás no me hubiera creído a mí misma si me escuchara diciéndome, “sólo sigue. Todo mejora.” Sin embargo es importante seguir, no importa si no se cree al cien por ciento ni siquiera en uno mismo… A veces la vida puede sorprenderte, a veces hasta tú mismo puedes sorprenderte.

no puedo obtener satisfacción.

Intenté buscarme en el éxito de otras personas.
Intenté entender el por qué tantas personas vivían así.
Intenté seguirlos, y los intenté comprender.
Intenté asumir que sus vidas suponían ser así: tratando ciegamente de cumplir con unas responsabilidades que hace tiempo los habían despojado de todo indicio de motivación.
Sin embargo, no pude.
Y ellos no me entenderían, tampoco: por qué luchaba tanto por nadar contra la corriente; por qué aborrecía tanto las corrientes de pensamiento comunes.
Y es que, cuando intento buscarme en lo que se supone que es el éxito para otros, no me encuentro.
Y es que, lo observo en todos lados y me pregunto, ¿ellos lo sentirán también? ¿Ellos lo habrán decidido así?
¿Cuántas personas no están en un trabajo que aborrecen, deseando con fervor el pasar rápido de las horas?
¿Cuántas personas no estarán en las relaciones equivocadas, demasiado temerosos de salir de allí por el simple miedo a estar solos?
¿Cuántas personas no viven presos de los deseos que son incapaces de cumplir, pensando que deben enterrarlos dentro para complacer a otros?
¿Cuántas personas estarán viviendo a la sombra de otras, tomando decisiones que sólo se centran en el beneficio de los demás?
Demasiado joven lo entendí. Quizá es un beneficio, quizás una maldición:
El hecho de que yo no quería ser como ellos.
Quería que mi vida tuviera sentido, emoción, adrenalina, libertad.
Escoger por mí misma, no depender del permiso de otros.
Y toda mi vida se fue en tratar de luchar contra la corriente. Luché, peleé y corrí en sentido contrario al viento… Pero el viento era más fuerte.
Sentí que no podía contra ellos, y que debía unírmeles por esta misma razón. Si no puedes contra ellos…
Pero mi alma gritaba que no podía aceptarlo. Simplemente me sentía abrumada de tanta injusticia, responsabilidad, quehacer, obligación.
No me molestaba trabajar por cosas que quería, pero ¿qué quería? Y ¿quién me ayudaba?
Lo que yo quería no estaba allí.
Había logrado tantas cosas… Sólo quedaba intentar un poco más.
Unos pocos meses más.
Aunque a veces simplemente pienso que jamás podré estar satisfecha.

43 things I noticed when it was too late

43 THINGS I NOTICED WHEN IT WAS TOO LATE.

1. You only ever said “I miss you” right after having sex: Did you miss me as a person or did you miss me as a pleasure?
2. You begging for me to kiss you was only that: a begging. It wasn’t a declaration of love. It wasn’t a begging for anything else.
3. You made plans to keep me around and you treated me well to keep me around ‘cause you knew you wanted to be with me and enjoyed my company but that’s that. That was it.
4. A huge difference in age also comes with a huge difference in mentality, expectations, behavior and character.
5. All the gifts and attention and feelings felt forced, unnatural, like they were made for a purpose and that purpose was selfish.
6. I feel like I enjoy my own company more than I enjoy yours.
7. All the time I knew you were waiting for something better yet I still sticked myself to what it was.
8. The time you said I’ve made a 31-year-old be better and decide to improve and I gave you a reason to keep going and that I’m powerful and even though I said “I do nothing” you responded “That’s the point, you don’t have to, you’re just you and that’s enough by you being there”. That time I believed you but just days later you made me sceptic.
9. You talk to your phone more than you talk to me.
10. You enjoy the music more than you enjoy my voice.
11. You keep telling me how much fun I am but I can’t really say how much fun you are.
12. The reasons that make me want to leave you get stronger and stronger everyday.
13. I only wanted to make you feel pleasure so I could feel pleasure myself.
14. The cuddling and hugging are okay but what about talking and having a deep conversation? We rarely ever did that.
15. I don’t feel I can take this anymore I mean sometimes I don’t even really like you.
16. Every time you started a conversation with “Hey, so this girl…” should’ve been my wake-up calls.
17. The fact that I write so easily about all this should also be a wake-up call, I mean I don’t have to think twice to come up with things that make me uncomfortable.
18. I should’ve sticked to my decision of leaving you the night you went out to drink and have fun while I stayed at the hotel room throwing up and sick to my stomach.
19. I don’t really care what other people think but I mean when so many people tell me you’re no good for me it’s hard to ignore that.
20. The fact that you cared more about what other people thought and never really showed me as “your girl” (just those rare couple of times) because you were scared of what they might say (“oh my God she’s a child!”, perhaps) is messed up and I know it now.
21. I know I shouldn’t have been expecting for you to introduce me as “your girl” when I never really was -you kept reminding me how this was just dating and we were both single.
22. I needed you to fall in love with my self more -or at least as much as- you fell in love with my body.
23. I knew I was trying to be pretty for you when each time that wasn’t enough, I got mad.
24. You only really look at me when I’m naked in your bed just covered in vulnerabilities.
25. My instinct told me you were trouble and then my common sense told me to listen to my instinct yet my stubborn personality covered my eyes and my ears.
26. I guess I conformed to just being friends with benefits not because of the friendship but because of how pleasurable the benefit was -and to be honest I never really thought anything more serious than that would’ve worked.
27. I didn’t ask for anything extremely official, just knowing I could trust you and we had some sort of future together.
28. I know what you wanted and I wanted it too, with the difference that I also wanted many more things with you but you only wanted sex (and you were really good at masking that behind your fake interest in me and constant invitations to do all these sort of things).
29. Every time I catched you interested in someone else, I couldn’t help but feel like we were doomed for failure (I couldn’t find interest in anyone else but you).
30. From the beginning I knew it wouldn’t work, yet somehow I found myself praying for a miracle in my sleepless nights.
31. I feel like I lie to myself by overrating you and thinking you’re more interesting than you actually are just to have a reason to stay by your side.
32. I hope you’d understand that I’m not trying to change you as a whole -just little details that would make our relationship (or whatever it is) better.
33. Yes I’m too silent sometimes and keep everything to myself but it’s just ‘cause you’ve made me feel like opening up to you wouldn’t make much of a difference.
34. I’d hope you could see past just my looks and understand that I have so much more -and better- things to offer.
35. Your scent intoxicated me all the time. I wish I made you feel the same way with something you could find only in me.
36. I’d rather think you didn’t notice that one time I cried during sex than knowing you noticed yet kept going like nothing happened.
37. Was it even worth it replying that first message? If I would’ve ignored you, none of this would’ve happened.
38. My mind keeps going back and forth among all the possible endings -and by the way, yes, all of them are disastrous.
39. Your eyes say one thing and your actions say the opposite (I like to believe in your eyes, of course).
40. Did you ever really feel something besides me driving you crazy while making out? Did you only ever feel me and my passion while making out? Was making out the only way your feelings towards me would show?
41. I can’t believe I laughed when my mom asked me if you didn’t want to meet her -I was way too sure of how badly you wanted to. And not for the good reasons, by the way.
42. My insecurities were all buried deep deep down before you came to revive them.
43. No I didn’t like you introducing me as just your friend, you dumb fuck.

And a plus one:

44. Men aren’t really that big of a deal to focus all your energy towards them. One day you’re going to regret it if the biggest goal of your life is to have a romantic relationship just for the sake of it. It’s not all fun and games like the media portrays it. And it’s always a better feeling when you accomplish all your other -and more important- goals.

-Sidenote: I wrote the first 43 reasons during the first year or so of my current relationship, when everything was just so weird and so new and so unstable. The last one is from now. Surprisingly, he and I are still on track (don’t ask me how… or why). Yet I know that if for one reason or another it doesn’t work out, I am not the one to blame. And I have 43 reasons to remind myself that not everything was perfect, and a positive reminder at the end to stay true to myself.

Love and life, life and love.

It’s weird to think how love and life work.

One day, you’re minding your own business. Going to work five times a week, or going to college and struggling to do well in your classes, or competing with yourself trying to be stronger at the gym. Maybe even all at once, like in my case. I wasn’t where I wanted to be, but I was getting there, even though later in life I would fall off track. Working at a job I hated, but which was giving me the money necessary in order to pay for my classes, and saving enough to buy my future car, and help my mother pay for our paperwork in order to be legal residents of this country. It’s crazy to think how something I hated so much helped me gain such valuable stuff out of it. At the same time, going to college a couple of days a week. Finishing my English for Academic Purposes classes in order to start my career classes (two years later… which is now). Days at the gym helped me relax and reconnect with my inner self and what I truly enjoyed doing. And even though, I was struggling… Struggling to get here and there, in between Ubers and walking, and having to depend on my dad’s car. It was not what I wanted. Yet that same year everything would change so much. And from then on, it just kept getting better and better.

But going back to where I started: I was minding my own business. I was talking to a couple of “whatever” guys and it was fun. Getting to explore what I never had explored before. And all of a sudden, you get one message. That message that changes everything. That message from someone that wants to get to know you, even though you doubt him at first because he is so much older than you! You start thinking, “what does this guy want from me? I have nothing to offer him.” Going back now, I remember I was feeling good with myself at that time. I had worked in my health and the walking and going to the gym so much had made changes in my body… And also my confidence. I was becoming more proud. In fact, it had been months since my confidence journey had started. Yet, there were so many stuff I wasn’t satisfied with. And not paying attention to your intuition and reasoning, you answer to that message. Maybe not that same day. Maybe days after… Maybe even weeks.

And that is all how everything starts. One day you’re minding your business… The next day you’re accepting this guy to pick you up from the gym when he’s already 30 and you’re only 19. But who cared? You needed that kind of stupidity in your life. Who would’ve thought that one message would change everything and less than five months from then, you would be traveling around and discovering new experiences with him and getting out of your shell.

I know I am not the girl I used to be. It still astonishes and surprises me how much I’ve changed, emotionally and psychologically. Sometimes my older personality tries to emerge from time to time. My dreamy, naïve, romantic, and imaginary self. The girl that listened to romantic songs and cried herself to sleep because she didn’t think she was enough. The girl that hated her body so much, she could write pages and pages about how truly disgusted with herself she was. The girl that let guys dictate the way she felt about herself: from ages thirteen to eighteen, all she could do was fall in love, fall deeply, fall stupidly and when she finally got over someone, the cycle would repeat itself. I don’t know if I have completely overcome this self-destructive part of me. What I do know is that there’s still bad days, even when in general terms I am better than before. It’s crazy to think how love and life works… One day, you’re deep down and struggling to get back up. Your happiness depends on whether this guy finds you attractive or not. The next day, (or maybe not that quick, because good things take time… But let’s say, two years later), you now understand this is not how it’s meant to be. You’re not meant to be “good enough for someone else”. And you understand you have to focus on your goals and forget about everything -and everyone- else.

Even though, this one guy that texted you may have helped you in growing intellectually and emotionally for the past couple of years, you know you don’t owe everything to him. At the end of the day, it’s you who made the change. And you know you only need yourself. No one else but yourself. It may hurt if this guy decides to leave… But you know it’s only matter of time until you get back up again.

Love and life. It’s crazy yet amazing.

Escritos variados: XI.

Tú, en toda tu honestidad y simpatía, prometías quererme a mí y nadie más, como quien pide en súplicas y plegarias que le crean, como rogando por una segunda oportunidad sin pedirlo. Yo, ¿qué más podía hacer, sino creerte? Deseando que esta vez no me rompieras…

Allí estaba, entre tanta gente que iba y venía, entre tantos reencuentros, despedidas, bienvenidas; entre tantos saludos y equipajes y personas que se decían adiós sin saber cuándo se volverían a ver. Allí estaba entre tantos aviones que despegaban, que aterrizaban, entre tantos anuncios a través de los altoparlantes y tantos regalos comprados, flores, libros, tarjetas, globos. Allí estaba revisando el reloj cada cinco segundos, ansiosa por el momento en que llegara, desesperada por poder verlo de una vez por todas y con un lío de emociones encontradas mezclándose entre sí. Y llegó el momento en que coincidimos allí, a la misma hora exacta, buscando exactamente lo mismo y encontrándonos en la mirada del otro.

I’d like to kiss you. In your neck, or wherever it may hurt. In your belly, your lips, your lovely eyelids while you sleep. I’d like to kiss you until our lips get tired, until your cheeks start to get colored showing all your nervousness.

Quiero verte. A veces me pican las manos de las ganas de tocarte, ¿sabes? Que las yemas de mis dedos recorran imparablemente tu cara…

Soon enough, my dreams were all forgotten, my laughter missed but my love was caught in, within all the stories from people I never met, and all the times I was laying in your chest, thinking about all the places I could only see as real in my far, far future.

What I thought was love was only false desire. And as I held the door open, your eyes admired. Your lips aspire, inspire, they never expire.