Past is past

“I wish you would’ve remembered me a little longer.”
Those were his last few words before I turned around to go back to where I came from. At that time, I wished I had the strength enough to contradict his words. I wish I still cared enough to answer back. But I didn’t anymore, and for that reason I let it be as it was. I wanted him to know I never truly forgot him, and I would never be able to stop remembering him. But I let it be. I let it be, because at this point, fighting back was pointless.
He wasn’t my first true love. He wouldn’t be my last true love, either. I had already met someone else by the time we were still friendly. We would talk on the phone until late hours at night, and see each other’s faces thanks to the miracle of video calling. He would sing me songs and play his guitar for me, and I would hide the tears I cried hoping he could be a little closer. But he never got closer. It was just a matter of destiny; and what was destined for us was the distance.
Then all of a sudden, someone else. Someone disposed to take me places, take me out of my shell and get to know me better. Someone older, someone wiser, someone close. Then little by little, the distance –even more- with whom I’d shared so many beautiful moments ever since we had “met” more than two years prior –more than five years now. The video calling turned to simple phone calling, then just text messages, and then just silence. It’s been just silence for a while. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt at all to let it go. I followed a new path, as well as him. We tried to stay friends but there was nothing there to keep us bonding.
Until… Until. Until vacations with my new lover led us to visit his country. It wasn’t planned for at all –the meeting him, I mean- and it was a total surprise when I recognized him walking down the dock. He was talking to a girl, and it was as if my eyes had called him in silence because, as soon as I recognized him, he locked his eyes with mine. Both of us stayed completely motionless, as well as his companion and mine who, of course, didn’t know what was going on. I told my lover to stay there for a little while, and so did him to his. I started walking towards him; he started walking towards me. Both of our companions walked away, on different directions, completely confused and unaware.
It was the moment I dreamed of for so many months, and even years. It was the moment I had written about so many times… Except this time, there was nothing. Not love, not desire, not longing. It was just the miracle of finally getting to know each other, even when we hadn’t talked to each other in months. And in that exact moment, I remembered the promises we made to each other more than once. We promised we would never stop talking to each other, we promised we’d meet in person someday. And only one of those promises was kept, unintentionally, as fate gathered us together on that exact moment, at that precise spot. The other promise was forgotten or maybe, simply, lost its importance with time. We stopped talking, not so harshly, but yes definitively.
We said hi to each other and hugged each other shily. I didn’t know how to act, and I could notice he didn’t know how to act either. We talked for a while about what I was doing there, and we laughed, astonished, at the curiousness of life. When we loved each other so deeply, it was impossible for us to meet. And now that each of us had created a new life for themselves, it’s almost as if the world wanted us to come back together, completely ignorant to our own desires. He wasn’t my desire anymore, and I knew that since many months before, I wasn’t his desire either.
And yet, we talked. We talked for a while, probably for a long time, but in reality, it only felt like five minutes. Each of our companions were looking towards us, probably asking themselves what was going on. I was about to call my lover to introduce him to my previous love, in the hope that he would introduce his lover too, just to keep the friendliness. Yet before I could call him, my estranged friend interrupted my thoughts.
“I wish you would’ve remembered me a little longer.”
And on that moment, I noticed a hidden, unwanted desire that was still living inside of me, even though I’d ignored it so many times before. I wished he would’ve remembered me a little longer, too. But there was no time for the past anymore, and so I decided there was no reason to keep being friendly. And so I decided to go back to where I came from.

Isn’t it funny? One day, you swear you’re going to die of love, die of sadness, die of hatred only thanks to this boy you don’t even know… Some years later, you laugh at yourself, as you read what you used to write for him, wishing you could go back in time to tell yourself: “don’t worry, my darling, you will be okay someday”.


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