I just wanted to be a part of something greater besides just the group of people who know there’s something greater. I just wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself, something bigger than us. Because sometimes my desires don’t seem interesting enough, and my passion abandons its place to hide beneath the doubts and insecurities of whether do I really want this, or am I just trying to convince myself I do. Sometimes I’d rather have stuff going on around me, so I can focus on them instead of focusing on this feeling inside of me, the never-ending feeling of dissatisfaction, monotony. I’ve been trying to stay busy on these stuff, fix these other things, trying to convince myself that they matter somehow. But the world doesn’t move fast enough for me. Sometimes, I wish that stuff happened a little sooner, a little quicker. I have waited, I have waited and yet I feel like nothing happens. I feel that this love we had, this passion we shared is slowly fading away. Because even if –and when- I obtain what I so desperately wait for, I feel like I will never be satisfied. What do I do with this awareness, then? Do I stop fighting for what I want, knowing that nothing will really fulfill me? Or do I keep waiting, working, improving, accomplishing, so I can distract myself from this knowledge, from this emptiness? I feel there’s no escape. I feel like even when I obtain what I’ve been so impatiently waiting for, there will be something –else- that I will begin wanting. Always something else, something better, something new. Something that distracts me for a while, until the distraction is not possible anymore, and the feeling comes back again, and again, and again. I wonder what keeps people moving. I wonder if it’s just the routine, the responsibilities, the expectations. I wonder if it’s their passion, their motivations, their goals. I wonder what keeps me moving, too. Maybe it’s just this small, yet hopeful thought that my true happiness will come someday. But I know happiness is not a matter of what you have, what you get, what you make. On the opposite, happiness exists on the inside of your true convictions.   (…)



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