revival

the same feelings… the same feelings that I used to get during my teenage years, they’re all coming back. I thought that I’d left them behind, but it seems like all that is needed for them to revive is a mixture of people my age (more like a crowd), bottles and beer, a college gathering, and girls prettier than me (there always are). I compare, I overthink, I feel little, this is not my place. I look at her, no wonder everyone is talking to her and not me… I wish I was pretty in that way. And the worst thing is that I know if I got out of my head, perhaps I would enjoy it more. But I’m always in my head, thinking, comparing, analyzing, belittling me, I can’t help it. I thought I’d started to love myself… be happy with me and my body. Not anymore. I’ve changed so much, for better at first and now for worse. And I bet everyone is thinking that I’m a weirdo for not talking, for just looking, listening to everyone else. “Why are you so quiet?” “I don’t know” “No, yes, you do know” Well, if saying “that’s just the way I am” is a good enough answer, then yes I know. But actually I don’t. was I born this way? Did people make me this way? Is it a mix between my insecurities and my overthinking? WHY CANT I BE NORMAL? Did I need to drink more? Do I need to be prettier? Do I need to be skinnier?

it’s all coming back; it’s all coming back and reminding me why I don’t do this sort of stuff, why I stay in my lane…

I just don’t fit in.

 

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Un comentario en “revival

  1. You cannot underestimate yourself so much, generating in your soul such an aggravating pain. The soul, different from being, is what gives you the necessary light to leave behind the painful moments of life. And what you say is true, that in order to love you must first love yourself with your virtues and contradictions, as an imperfect human, as we all are. The issue is if you have the courage to be the true resurrection artist.

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